Before You Decide You're "Just Like This," Read This

A lot of people carry deep shame about their habits - what they do repeatedly, automatically, or when they’re overwhelmed. But habit is not the same thing as nature, and confusing the two is one of the fastest ways for shame to take root in a person's psyche. 

Human nature refers to our core capacities of self: connection, care, creativity, curiosity, and the drive to survive and belong. Habits, on the other hand, are learned responses shaped by environment, stress, modeling, trauma, culture, and what once helped us get through tough times. Habits are adaptive strategies, not moral verdicts.

When someone says, “This is just who I am,” they’re often pointing to a habit that’s been reinforced over time, not their essence. The nervous system loves efficiency and doesn't want to work harder than it has to. If something reduced pain, soothed anxiety, or created safety at one point, the brain will keep reaching for it, even after it stops serving us. That doesn’t make someone broken, it makes them human.

Shame collapses this distinction. It tells us our behavior reveals a bad core. And I love it when clients argue this point because it means they're thinking about it and applying it to their life. My stance is that compassion and understanding restore it when we say “Something learned this. Something needed this.” It focuses on the many parts of us and their maladaptive ways of coping. We are products of our habits and environments, but not defined by them. Habits can be interrupted, reshaped, and replaced. Nature doesn’t need fixing.

At our core, most of us are not dangerous or defective. We’re tired, conditioned, and trying our best with the tools we've been given. And that’s a very different story.